1. Confidence is key. Try on bathing suits in the morning. A little dehydration is great for a bikini bod. And by morning I mean 4 am…when it’s still dark out. The soft glow of a nightlight is universally flattering. Find a suit you like in this light and NEVER LOOK IN THE MIRROR AGAIN.

2. Axis of Evil. Forget Iran and North Korea, gravity and the earth’s rotation is the real enemy. Whenever possible lay down with knees bent or walk on your hands.

3. Be like a stripper. Wear heels all the time. I don’t care if you are treading water in the deep end or doing a triple axel off the diving board…never take them off. (But be careful when you are walking on your hands, one wrong step and someone loses an eye)

4. Tan with wheat thins or other appropriate shaped snack foods placed in an ab like formation on your stomach. The sun will provide shading and definition in between the crackers and the only crunch you’ll hear is the snacking on the wheat thins once you’re through. I swear this is how Britney and Mariah do it.

5. If you must eat, put on your bathing suit and sit in front of a full-length mirror. If this doesn’t turn off your appetite then I don’t know what will.

6. Do your squats. While your waiting for your coffee or pumping your gas. Up and down girls, tighten that core. Force yourself to do at least 10 over the toilet before you do your business.

7. Find a friend who is in the late stages of reproduction and never leave her side. The bigger she is, the better you’ll look.

8. Boobs are the new black. Hike yours up and if don’t got em’ stuff them with something water resistant. Nothing is more slimming, or well, distracting then a great pair of ta-tas. So get out your flotation devices…safety first.

9. Be the life if the party, get everyone drunk. Really drunk. Myrtle Beach drunk. Just think how cute you’ll both look to him.

10. Try to find pool parties for the visually impaired. We all would look pretty great in Braille.

Ahh Swim Suit Season let me compare thee to Summer’s Eve.  Are there any three more dreaded words in the English language?  Magazines have been not so subtly warning me since New Year’s of the countdown to humiliation, but it’s so hard to succeed what with Cupid showering me with chocolates and the Easter Bunny announcing the return of JC by pooping candy covered eggs all over my yard.

But alas, since claiming I am allergic to the sun really cuts down on my outdoor drinking, I realized it was time to man up.  After trolling the requisite “Bathing Suit Finder’s” in Cosmo and Fitness, and realizing that they don’t have a category for “stomach like a tube of exploded biscuit dough and thighs like Titleist golf ball”.  I realized there was only one way to go…

Whether you are shaped like a pear, apple or pina colada, it’s all about the the tits.  Big jugs hide the jiggles, girls and if your cups runneth over, their shakes will bring all the boys to the yard.  We’re turning the tables on those three dreaded words…from Swim Suit Season to Shock and Awe.

Now some of us are more blessed with boobs than others, but never fear…enter Victoria Secret’s Miracle Bra Swimsuit Collection.  Available in a wide variety of fits and fabrics to flatter all sorts of figures while making your girls to stand up and salute.  These suits will not disappoint, and for less than $60 each, they are a bikini bargain.  We love the fact that they come in a variety of top styles and bottoms that cover all sizes of ba-donk-a-donk and that you can order the top and bottom in separate sizes.  If bikini’s aren’t your bag, they come in tankini and one piece options as well.  Use their fit finder tool to find the perfect suit for you.

Enter SPRING10 at checkout for $15 off orders of $100 or more. The first 3 comments on this post will receive a discount code that may be worth anywhere from $10 to $1,000 when redeemed with purchase before April 30th.

Rating: 3 Carats.  If you can get past the vomit inducing pics of the VS models, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by these suit’s errr… supportive qualities.

Everyone always comments on the miracle of birth and for everyone that has done it, the true miracle is making through the 10 months (40 weeks…you do the math) without losing your mind as quickly as your waistline. Unless you are the freak of nature that is Gisele Bundchen, pregnancy is fraught with humbling physical changes that can reduce the most confident of women to cowering in their plus size tent dresses.
In an effort to combat the National Geographic breasts, bilious bowels and two-toned facial pigmentation, I turned to an old stand-by in a redesigned form…the Spanx Power Mama Shapers which sell for a moderately priced $32.00. Now as you know from prior reviews, the PP’s are big fans of the Spanx line. However, that being said, I have no idea what dear Ms. Blakesly was thinking with this product. First of all getting them on requires more effort than any gestating woman can bear and is akin to trying to encase a watermelon in a condom. Second once the aforementioned watermelon is encased, the overall effect resembles a python digesting a small indigenous child. Finally, it defies the laws of physics, nature and personal happiness to attempt to pull in what God, genetics and gluttony are trying so hard to push out. Overall, so not worth it.

Rating: 1 carat…enjoy the period of time that you are entitled to wear elasticized pants, break open that jar of pickles and save the spanx for after delivery when your stomach will resemble an unbaked tube of Pillsbury french bread and a true fashion intervention is required.

Don’t call it a comeback…like Jesus we’ve risen again.  Ruby and Pearl are back, bitches.

And we’re highlighting our return and our faces with Bonnie Bell’s Gel Bronzer.

Now, I am wary of bronzers seeing as how I am a kinked helix away from being clinically albino, and upon first squirt this stuff seems more appropriate for Billy Dee than little ole me, but this stuff is tan-freakin-tastic.   I slathered it on the other day and my husband commented on my healthy post workout glow AND said I looked skinny…well, the joke is on him as I skipped the gym to drink wine and eat fried pickles with my girlfriends, awww yeah.

A dab will do you and this little tube of wonder will last all summer long.  The bronzer can be hard to find, but if you want to avoid going from drugstore to drugstore in search of this illuminating wonder, it’s available on Amazon for $7.99.

Rating: 3 Carats.  This stuff gives good face.  Between this and Dr. Pepper flavored lip balm I think Bonnie Bell deserves a noble peace prize.

They’ve really upped the quality of their basics this season.  I’m loving this sweater...perfect staple for skinny jeans.  Be sure to order a size smaller than normal for that sexy Tawny Kitaen vibe we’re all secretly after.

1.   To eat more refined sugar.

2.   To stop making fun of midgets, karma’s a bitch.

3.   To make the muffin top the hallmark of womanly beauty and acclaim.

4.  To stop showering and drying our hair daily…for mother earth.

5.  To watch more of the, “The Biggest Loser” to feel better about ourselves…until they get skinny and can run farther than us. Well, that first episode is great.

6.   To finish our ground breaking historical romance novel, “A Ravishing Gone A Rubbishing”,  the much anticipated sequel to “A Plunder Gone Asunder”.

7.   To give back to the world every single day whether it be through volunteering, helping those in need, or just make sure no one is subjected to the unsightly vision of our whale tail in our too tight jeans.

8.   To stop drinking alcohol.  Yeah right, just about as likely as Tiger Woods keeping it in his pants. Boy am I thirsty…

9.   To outgrow our pants so we can give them to the less fortunate.

10.  Solve global warming, disarm Iran, find the perfect button fitted button down shirt, and to unite Product Princesses all across the globe.

Ruby and Pearl here wishing you a Happy Holiday.  Whether it’s Quanza or Solstice your celebrating, we hope you all make merry and get some under the mistletoe.  We’ll be back and better than ever in the New Year!

xoxo

Ruby and Pearl

1.  Fruitcake- Part doorstop, part Texas Sushi.  Its always smart to pass on squishy, fruity balls.

2.  Those little favor coupon books- ladies do you really want to walk in after a long day’s work and have your significant other present you with a piece of paper saying he is entitled to a sexual favor?  Whip out the visa instead…you will thank me later.

3. Anything for your pets- Does a creature that spends a significant amount of time every day licking its own naughty bits really derserving of a Christmas present?

4.  Holiday letters describing your family’s past year- let me let you in on a little secret…no one cares if Bobby won the soccer championship or Little Susie came in second in the most fantastic child who breathes air pageant, so save a tree and don’t waste your time.

5.  Anything that requires more than 30 minutes of assembly time- We all think our children are brilliant, but even future aerospace engineers do not need any thing at ages 10 and younger that requires a degree from MIT and 4 Bloody Mary’s to assemble.

6. Holiday applique anything- From sweaters, to ties, to pot holders.  I like Christmas as much as the next person, but the season is festive enough with out the nativity sceen complete with Rudolph gazing adoringly at the Baby Jesus emblazoned on your chest.

7.  Anything that requires some action be taken on the part of the giftee- While the thought is nice no one wants to be an active participant in their own gift, so save the cooking classes, enrichment seminars and Lowe’s cards for someone who gives a damn.

8.  Photo Montages of Your Children- We know they’re cute, most of the time anyway, but even the most doting of grandparents are at a loss as to where to display the 3ft by 5ft visual display of every significant event of your little bastard’s past year.

9. Anything gift that requires water, food, sunlight or excessive amounts of attention. The odds are not in your favor.

10.  Boxes of Fruit- I have honestly never understood this one.  Why does an oversized box of pears, apples and oranges equate with the holiday season?  Maybe a symbol of the fruitfulness and bounty of the past year?  Or maybe it is suggestive or a ripeness of spirit than endows the blessings of the holiday season?  Or maybe it is sign that your gifter was lazy, uncreative and thinks your fat behind could benefit from a little less eggnog and a little more vitamin C.