Everyone always comments on the miracle of birth and for everyone that has done it, the true miracle is making through the 10 months (40 weeks…you do the math) without losing your mind as quickly as your waistline. Unless you are the freak of nature that is Gisele Bundchen, pregnancy is fraught with humbling physical changes that can reduce the most confident of women to cowering in their plus size tent dresses.
In an effort to combat the National Geographic breasts, bilious bowels and two-toned facial pigmentation, I turned to an old stand-by in a redesigned form…the Spanx Power Mama Shapers which sell for a moderately priced $32.00. Now as you know from prior reviews, the PP’s are big fans of the Spanx line. However, that being said, I have no idea what dear Ms. Blakesly was thinking with this product. First of all getting them on requires more effort than any gestating woman can bear and is akin to trying to encase a watermelon in a condom. Second once the aforementioned watermelon is encased, the overall effect resembles a python digesting a small indigenous child. Finally, it defies the laws of physics, nature and personal happiness to attempt to pull in what God, genetics and gluttony are trying so hard to push out. Overall, so not worth it.

Rating: 1 carat…enjoy the period of time that you are entitled to wear elasticized pants, break open that jar of pickles and save the spanx for after delivery when your stomach will resemble an unbaked tube of Pillsbury french bread and a true fashion intervention is required.

I love Hanky Panky’s line of thongs. I even wore one under my wedding dress* on the happiest day of my husband’s life. I love their oh so stretchy lace because seeing me in a thong is scary enough without it squeezing my fat so tight I look like a trussed up pork loin.

But the $18 price tag for something that is wedged between cheeks and at any minute can be destroyed in the washing machine, left in the backseat of a car or attacked by the period monster, left me looking for something a little more disposable.

Enter Target’s Gilligan & O’Malley Lace Thongs. At $8 for a two pack, the price can’t be beat and they are very similar to the higher priced brand. They come in a variety of colors and they have a similar stretchy lace that doesn’t fight against my pudge, merely skims over it like a little flabulent guardian angel. I was worried that they wouldn’t make it through the laundry, but I washed and dried them and they are as perfect as before. Like the Hanky Panky brand these disappear under clothing and are as light as a feather.

*thong was only worn because Spanx wouldn’t have worked. Ladies, think that one through when you are picking out your dresses.

Rating: 3 Carats. Great price, great product for those days you can’t wrap your entire ass in spandex.

Unless you are 16 or have recently visited the plastic surgeon, almost everyone could use a little pick me up in the breast department.  Searching for the perfect bra is like looking for love.  Sometimes the one that fits you the best is the last one you look at.  In search of “the one” I recently ventured in to one of my favorite stores…Nordstrom.  I seriously love this store.  When I die I want to be stuffed and used as a mannequin in Ladies Fine Fashions.  As I waltzed into the lingerie department with the piano man’s unplugged version of Take it to the Limit tinkling in the background, I was cautiously optimistic.  Ignoring the frothy wisps and delicately embroidered demi-cups that would have called to me when sex was not just a way to procreate, I went straight to the back section.  And there it was…the Bra-llelujah from Spanx.  The price halted me for a second, but $62.00 is really a pittance to look like Heidi Klum, albeit with her clothes on.  

This thing is not pretty, and definitely more function over form.  It is almost sturdy enough to build and outdoor shelter and, depending on your cup size, could protect you from a moderate downpour.  However, it kept the girls firmly in place above the equator and looks great under tee-shirts and more form fitting tops.  The straps and back do smooth out unsightly lumps and, as Spanx claims, banish the unsightly VBL (Visible Bra Line) aka back fat squeezage.  However, this bra is by no means is this a substitute for diet, exercise and/or liposuction.  Additionally, if you think there is any chance of getting to second to base, I would keep one of the aforementioned “cute” bras in your purse and switch it out before the heavy petting begins.  

Rating:  2 carats.  Definitely worth the money and if they just made it in pink with maybe a little something pretty on it, it would get 3 carats from us.

Finding a good pair of panties is like winning in Vegas.   It’s a crapshoot, but if you get lucky and hit the jackpot it’s the best feeling in the world.    Most of us have had the experience of buying undies that look fabulous on anorexic eighteen year old models, but when you get them home they feel like anal floss and require a full Brazilian before wearing.   On the flip side, no one wants to walk around with panties that come up to your bra line with a crotch big enough to support a pillow sized maxi-pad.   

In the interest of finding a pair that covered the critical areas, while still making sure my husband didn’t think he was sleeping with one of the Golden Girls, I tried the Body by Victoria ultrasmooth seamless boy short.    In contrast to the normal VS fare, these actually provided decent coverage and gave the no lines look of a thong without the feeling that my backside got hungry and ingested my underwear.    The fabric is nice and soft and if you can get over the fact that everyone in this catalogue falls in the top 1% of the gene pool, these are actually a decent buy.  They alsocome in a variety of flesh friendly colors which make them perfect for wearing under your summer whites.

Rating: 2 Carats.  Now if I could just order Giselle’s butt to put in them, they would get a 3. (PS- they are on sale right now and you can get 3 for $30).