Steel Magnolias-Seriously is there any better way to spend a Sunday? It has everything: laughter, tears and Dylan McDermott.  Blush and Bashful, y’all.

Cheap Tabloids-What’s better than seeing telescopic pictures of star’s cellulite?  The trashier the better, and please spare me the human interest stories and book reviews People, I like my trash without a side of humanity.

Pez Dispensers- These are the most frustrating, useless ways to eat crappy candy, but there is something about loading little squares into a plastic head that always sucks you in.

Granny Panties- Clearly not the choice if nookie is on your mind, but there is nothing better than having to pull them up off of your thighs instead of out of your butt.

Cherry ChapStick- Its greasy, colorless, and lasts about two seconds. Which reminds me of a high school boyfriend. There is just something about the smell that makes you want to eat it over ice cream.

Beer Cozies- The redneck wedding favor of choice. Who doesn’t love a nice frosty PBR encased in an insulated sleeve with “Justin and Jessica 4 ever” on it?

Eyelash Curlers- Reminiscent of medieval torture device, these have the ability to completely obviate the need for mascara if used improperly. However, there is just something so saucy about that little lash flip that keeps us coming back for more.

Romance Novels-We love it when Sebastian roughs up Valentina before giving her what she didn’t know she always wanted.  Short on the women’s lib but long on entertainment, we can’t keep our filthy paws off of them.

Dance/Figure Skating/Gymnastics Movies-From Center Stage to Dirty Dancing and Cutting Edge to Coyote Ugly, no one puts these babies in the corner.  What’s better than a little suspension of disbelief…we all watch and wish we were practicing our lifts.

1. When eating a spoonful of lowfat yogurt, you will automatically have an orgasm.

2. Immediately after you shave your legs a hot guy will appear to run his hand up your thigh and pull you into a bed. Be wary if you are in a hurry in the morning and don’t have time for for a romp and consider skipping the shave.

3. If you are a balding overweight marginally attractive man, you’re hot wife will good naturedly roll her eyes and serve you and your fat friends food or clean around you while you watch tv.

4. If you have a room freshener or deodorizer every time you walk by it you’ll huff it like a teenager with a paper bag and a can of spray paint.
5. Lotion of any kind must be applied in slow motion.

6. The more weight you have lost from your “before” picture, the tanner you will be in your “after”.

7. Each package of quilted toilet paper comes with a golden retriever puppy inside.

8. If you have visible pores, you cannot sell a product of any kind. I am disqualified from spokesmodel status because my pores are so big I could put a roll of quarters and a tube of chapstick in there.

9. After shampooing and drying your hair. It’s impossible to walk down the street and not shake your head side to side like you’re having a seizure.

10. It’s impossible to have your period without wearing white pants while riding a bike. And women don’t actually “bleed” during our period. It’s actually blue liquid we shoot out of our crotch.

1. Two words: swine flu.

 
2. Suddenly develop ADD. Ritalin is a great appetite suppressant.

 
3. Have your mouth wired shut. You may be mistaken for Hannibal Lector, but you will be way too skinny for someone to throw you in the back of their van and use you for a skin suit.

 
4. A well placed tapeworm can do wonders.

 
5. Wrap yourself in saran wrap and hit the sauna. Come out only when you feel you are in danger of being laminated.

 
6. Liquid diet. Champagne, beer and wine are all fine. You can make your martinis with chicken garnishes if you feel like you need a little extra protein.

 
7. Sex. Lots of sex. You can burn several hundred calories per hour having sex. Of course the more varied the positions the better, missionary will not burn as many calories as some other more creative positions such as The Hoover which also has the added benefit of strengthening your triceps.

 
8. Use correctol as ice cream toppings instead of sprinkles. Just make sure you block out several hours of bathroom time the next morning.

 
9. Go on a hunger fast. People will think you’ve got a great social conscience, and never know that you are doing it to show up your best friend on your weekend beach trip.

 
10. Give up. Admit that 10 lbs is a small price to pay for the enjoyment of french fries dipped in ranch dressing.  Eat them with relish in front of your undernourished counterparts.

1.    Wear a beret.  It worked for Monica Lewinsky.

2.    Look at pictures of Kate Gosselin.   Her reverse mullet basket-weave will make you feel much, much better about yourself.

3.    Take a colorful scarf and fashion it into a turban.   You can add a brooch on the front for a Gloria Vanderbilt – or Punjab a la “Annie” look.  Hey you never know when you’ll have to unroll your hair piece to save an orphan from a draw bridge while dangling from a helicopter.  Best to be prepared.

4.    Crimp it, crimp it good.

5.    Stick your finger in an electrical socket. With the jolt you can forgo your morning coffee run and save money while adding body and texture to your hair.

6.    Shave off your eyebrows.  It will take people a few minutes to figure out what is different about you and last thing they will be focused on will be your hair.

7.    Pull a Kojak.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Just think of all time you’ll save in the morning.  A little matte finish to combat the shine (See “Shiny Not So Happy People” post) and some sunscreen and you are ready to roll.

8.    Stay home. 

9.    Take a cue from the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Those ladies have enough product going on to withstand a Category 5 hurricane.   

10. Remember the days when you used to curl your bangs with a curling iron and the smell of fried hair as you applied copious amounts of hairspray while said bangs were still wrapped around the curling iron, and just be glad you still have hair.

1.  Confidence is key.  Try on bathing suits in the morning.  A little dehydration is great for a bikini bod.  And by morning I mean 4 am…when it’s still dark out.  The soft glow of a nightlight is universally flattering.  Find a suit you like in this light and NEVER LOOK IN THE MIRROR AGAIN. 

2. Axis of Evil.  Forget Iran and North Korea, gravity and the earth’s rotation is the real enemy.  Whenever possible lay down with knees bent or walk on your hands.

3. Be like a stripper.  Wear heels all the time.  I don’t care if you are treading water in the deep end or doing a triple axel off the diving board…never take them off. (But be careful when you are walking on your hands, one wrong step and someone loses an eye)

4. Tan with wheat thins or other appropriate shaped snack foods placed in an ab like formation on your stomach.  The sun will provide shading and definition in between the crackers and the only crunch you’ll hear is the snacking on the wheat thins once you’re through.  I swear this is how Britney and Mariah do it.

5. If you must eat, put on your bathing suit and sit in front of a full-length mirror.  If this doesn’t turn off your appetite then I don’t know what will.

6. Do your squats.  While your waiting for your coffee or pumping your gas.  Up and down girls, tighten that core.  Force yourself to do at least 10 over the toilet before you do your business.

7.  Find a friend who is in the late stages of reproduction and never leave her side.  The bigger she is, the better you’ll look.

8. Boobs are the new black.  Hike yours up and if don’t got em’ stuff them with something water resistant.  Nothing is more slimming, or well, distracting then a great pair of ta-tas.  So get out your flotation devices…safety first.

9. Be the life if the party, get everyone drunk.  Really drunk.  Myrtle Beach drunk. Just think how cute you’ll both look to him.

10. Try to find pool parties for the visually impaired.  We all would look pretty great in Braille.