1. Confidence is key. Try on bathing suits in the morning. A little dehydration is great for a bikini bod. And by morning I mean 4 am…when it’s still dark out. The soft glow of a nightlight is universally flattering. Find a suit you like in this light and NEVER LOOK IN THE MIRROR AGAIN.

2. Axis of Evil. Forget Iran and North Korea, gravity and the earth’s rotation is the real enemy. Whenever possible lay down with knees bent or walk on your hands.

3. Be like a stripper. Wear heels all the time. I don’t care if you are treading water in the deep end or doing a triple axel off the diving board…never take them off. (But be careful when you are walking on your hands, one wrong step and someone loses an eye)

4. Tan with wheat thins or other appropriate shaped snack foods placed in an ab like formation on your stomach. The sun will provide shading and definition in between the crackers and the only crunch you’ll hear is the snacking on the wheat thins once you’re through. I swear this is how Britney and Mariah do it.

5. If you must eat, put on your bathing suit and sit in front of a full-length mirror. If this doesn’t turn off your appetite then I don’t know what will.

6. Do your squats. While your waiting for your coffee or pumping your gas. Up and down girls, tighten that core. Force yourself to do at least 10 over the toilet before you do your business.

7. Find a friend who is in the late stages of reproduction and never leave her side. The bigger she is, the better you’ll look.

8. Boobs are the new black. Hike yours up and if don’t got em’ stuff them with something water resistant. Nothing is more slimming, or well, distracting then a great pair of ta-tas. So get out your flotation devices…safety first.

9. Be the life if the party, get everyone drunk. Really drunk. Myrtle Beach drunk. Just think how cute you’ll both look to him.

10. Try to find pool parties for the visually impaired. We all would look pretty great in Braille.

1.   To eat more refined sugar.

2.   To stop making fun of midgets, karma’s a bitch.

3.   To make the muffin top the hallmark of womanly beauty and acclaim.

4.  To stop showering and drying our hair daily…for mother earth.

5.  To watch more of the, “The Biggest Loser” to feel better about ourselves…until they get skinny and can run farther than us. Well, that first episode is great.

6.   To finish our ground breaking historical romance novel, “A Ravishing Gone A Rubbishing”,  the much anticipated sequel to “A Plunder Gone Asunder”.

7.   To give back to the world every single day whether it be through volunteering, helping those in need, or just make sure no one is subjected to the unsightly vision of our whale tail in our too tight jeans.

8.   To stop drinking alcohol.  Yeah right, just about as likely as Tiger Woods keeping it in his pants. Boy am I thirsty…

9.   To outgrow our pants so we can give them to the less fortunate.

10.  Solve global warming, disarm Iran, find the perfect button fitted button down shirt, and to unite Product Princesses all across the globe.

1.  Fruitcake- Part doorstop, part Texas Sushi.  Its always smart to pass on squishy, fruity balls.

2.  Those little favor coupon books- ladies do you really want to walk in after a long day’s work and have your significant other present you with a piece of paper saying he is entitled to a sexual favor?  Whip out the visa instead…you will thank me later.

3. Anything for your pets- Does a creature that spends a significant amount of time every day licking its own naughty bits really derserving of a Christmas present?

4.  Holiday letters describing your family’s past year- let me let you in on a little secret…no one cares if Bobby won the soccer championship or Little Susie came in second in the most fantastic child who breathes air pageant, so save a tree and don’t waste your time.

5.  Anything that requires more than 30 minutes of assembly time- We all think our children are brilliant, but even future aerospace engineers do not need any thing at ages 10 and younger that requires a degree from MIT and 4 Bloody Mary’s to assemble.

6. Holiday applique anything- From sweaters, to ties, to pot holders.  I like Christmas as much as the next person, but the season is festive enough with out the nativity sceen complete with Rudolph gazing adoringly at the Baby Jesus emblazoned on your chest.

7.  Anything that requires some action be taken on the part of the giftee- While the thought is nice no one wants to be an active participant in their own gift, so save the cooking classes, enrichment seminars and Lowe’s cards for someone who gives a damn.

8.  Photo Montages of Your Children- We know they’re cute, most of the time anyway, but even the most doting of grandparents are at a loss as to where to display the 3ft by 5ft visual display of every significant event of your little bastard’s past year.

9. Anything gift that requires water, food, sunlight or excessive amounts of attention. The odds are not in your favor.

10.  Boxes of Fruit- I have honestly never understood this one.  Why does an oversized box of pears, apples and oranges equate with the holiday season?  Maybe a symbol of the fruitfulness and bounty of the past year?  Or maybe it is suggestive or a ripeness of spirit than endows the blessings of the holiday season?  Or maybe it is sign that your gifter was lazy, uncreative and thinks your fat behind could benefit from a little less eggnog and a little more vitamin C.

1.    Family time.  It is the only time of year when you can play boggle with the whole clan, re-gift the garlic roaster to the spinster aunt and watch Uncle Billy Bob get inappropriately drunk and make a pass at your new brother-in-law.

2.     Holiday greeting cards.  It is the perfect time to reassure yourself that passing on boyfriend number three was the right call, as no amount of photo shopping can disguise that his off spring have inherited both the lazy eye and weak chin.

3.     The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  A tribute to our founding fathers replete with oversized inflated turkeys and a bunch of Puerto Ricans dressed as American Indians.

4.     New Year’s Resolutions.    I promise this year I’m going to lose ten pounds and take time for myself…right after I help Superman defeat Lex Luthor, invent a solar powered tampon and catch up on Oprah’s top one hundred ah-hah moments of the new millennium.

5.     Stretchy pants and over-sized sweaters.  The holidays are the only time when muffin-tops are an unavoidable holiday side-effect and a delicious brunch staple.

6.     Stuffing things.  Whether it be a turkey, a stocking or your significant other, a full pouch never felt so good.

7.     Santa’s watching you.   Good year round to make the kids tow the line and also a little kinky for those of us not adverse to a little voyeurism.

8.     Eggnog.   You may hate yourself in the morning, but when it hits your lips it’s so good.

9.     Office parties.   Nothing like watching the chain smoking secretary and the IT programmer take indecent liberties under the mistletoe or see the new boobs you bought your boss’ wife with the extra hours you worked for that new client on full display.

10.  Hugh Grant, Colin Firth and George Michael.  Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next year I can watch the  Love Actually and Bridget Jones marathon on TBS all over again.  Ahh, the perfect holiday trifecta.

1.      Mini-candy- it takes a least 20 Halloween sized candy to make one regular candy bar…at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

2.     Live out your fantasies- it’s the perfect time, so strap those Danishes to your head, feel the force, and let Han Solo show you his light saber.

3.     Size can work to your advantage- if you are a larger princess, embrace it.  There are a multitude of costumes perfect for larger ladies…pumpkins, sumo wrestlers or pre-natal octomom to name a few.

4.     Totally inappropriate costumes- everyone knows the soccer mom of four who wears the costume so trashy it only needs the pole to complete the look.

5.     Pumpkin carving- there is something so cathartic about scooping out a big mess of pumpkin innards with your bare hands; it almost makes me wish I went to med school.

6.     Haunted houses- what other holiday, except maybe Christmas with the in-laws, encourages screams of terror, wet pants and nightmares?

7.     Thriller- enough said.

8.     Adult trick ‘o treaters- Nothing like grown men and women with a pillow case thrown over their head ringing your doorbell with nary a child in sight for fifty cents worth of candy.

9.     Glow sticks- from 80’s concert staple to must have Halloween safety item.   Save some for after the kids go to bed and you can play the adult version of “stranger danger.”

10.  It’s the only time of year you can tell a complete stranger to “smell your feet” without fear of getting bitch slapped.

1.     Try something that requires batteries.

2.     Role play…nothing like a little Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky to get your juices flowing.

3.     Foolproof birth control… Jon and Kate may not have had the reality show, but they may still have had        their marriage.

4.      In words of The Ladies Man…”Have you tried the butt?”

5.     Write down of paper the top 5 things that attracted you to your significant other.  After 5 minutes realize     that in the time it took you to do that you could have done the deed and been reading your new book.

6.     Order something on pay per view that costs $9.99 and which you will make it through     approximately ten minutes of.

7.     Take a shower.

8.     Get waxed together.   Balls for a Brazilian.  Quid pro quo.

9.     Give the kids Benedryl.

10.  Lube…lots of lube.

As my face is sinking faster than Jon Gosselin’s dignity I have come to the conclusion that it’s only downhill from here.  The best, aesthetically speaking, is not yet to come.  Instead of dwelling in the pools of fat around my ankles, I thought I would make a list of all the great things about aging.  Oprah, are you listening? This is A-Ha moment stuff here.

1. You get to eat dinner at 4 pm.
2. Three words: Elastic Waist Pants.
3. It gets more and more acceptable to wear support garments and comfortable full coverage underwear.
4. Who doesn’t love a mid morning nap?  The more beauty sleep the better.
5. The more wrinkles and rolls you have, the less you notice new ones.
6. You can hit and curse at people and they’ll think you are just being cute.
7. More visits to the hospital mean more chances to get your hooks into a hot young doctor…or at least get felt up by one.
8. The golden years for you may leave your eggs a little rusty.  Spend the money you’ll save on birth control on gum, Kleenex, and blue eye shadow.
9. Instead of pesky flossing and brushing, just soak your teeth overnight on the bathroom counter.  Your tongue will enjoy all the extra real estate in your mouth.
10. When you get old you don’t have to shave.  Your hair just falls out from everywhere…except from your     chin.  Think about that before you spend thousands of dollars on laser hair removal…you won’t be the   only broad in the home with a Brazillian.