At the request of devoted PP reader “Mr. Sister” I subjected my body to rigorous testing of the “As Seen on TV Product Smooth Away Hair Removal System”. Let me just say right now that the best part of this product is that the name for some reason conjures up the wildly popular Styx single “Come Sail Away”. Watch the video above and see how to appropriately rock the suspender, bare chest, blazer combo.  The value of this product ends there my friends.

The website advertises that this product is the most popular hair removal system in Europe, and after trying this let me just reaffirm that I am proud to be an American where at least I know I have other grooming options.

 
If you buy Smooth Away from the informercial it will cost you $14.99 plus shipping and handling. Or saunter on down to Target and for $9.99 this worthless piece of crap can be all yours. I can tell you right now I could make this with a $2 package of fine grit sandpaper, duct tape and free paint stir sticks.

Smooth Away claims to remove hair in less than the time it takes to shave. Bull shit. To remove any hair you have to rub in a circular motion again and again until the hair breaks off at skin level. I just used it on a small patch of arm hair to test and it took ages and covered my skin with a rash and a nice film of pet dander. It also says that you should only use on clean dry skin. So I am supposed to shower, dry, then spend 2 hours buffing my not so buff bod, then have to get in the shower again to rinse off my discarded epidermis? I don’t think so. Plus I try to avoid touching my own body whenever possible, Jesus may be watching.

Rating: 0.5 carats. Useful if you want to sand off all your DNA before committing a felony or if you have any unfinished woodworking products.

One day, feeling a little grubby

I went searching for a product to help correct my stubbly

As I warily wandered down the rows

Looking for something to trim my legs and toes

Your pretty blue packaging sold me

(Never mind that now you’re a little moldy)

I brought you home and you shaved me sweetly

I loved you so much, I groomed more than bi-weekly

You are always so considerate and smooth

Even when your in my naughty grooves

You leave my legs so sleek and slick

I might even use you to trim my husbands…ears

Oh Venus I love you so, I love you sweetly

Like Tom said to Renee, you complete me

Rating : 3 Carats.  Great razor, blades last forever.  At less than $13 for razor and refill blades, it’s a steal and will leave your legs soft, smooth, and scab free.

Check out the Venus razor here.

We’ve all done it in the car.  Front seat, back seat, I’ve done it.  Parked in the driveway, stopped at a stoplight, don’t judge me, I know you’ve done it too.  I like to do it in the daytime.  I like to see what I’m what I’m doing, up close.  I am always afraid I am going to get caught…but that never stops me.  

I look left, look right and then I go  for it.  A little to the left…up…down…that’s it….yessssss!  Gotcha!  That chin hair doesn’t stand a chance.  

I love to pluck in my car.  It’s my own private Idaho and there are days when I pray that I hit every red light so I can see what I missed in my mirror back home.  The wiry pubic-like hair that has lost it’s way and decided to grow out of my chin, the dark peach fuzz above my lip that makes me look like I am a Brady Boy about to go through the change, or the sharp girthy monster that has decided to grow between my eyebrows like a triceratops horn.  It’s both terrifying and incredibly satisfying to grab hold and yank, even if the teenage girls next to me look at be in abject horror… someday they’ll know my pain.

I always keep a pair of trusty tweezers stashed in my car.  There is nothing worse then seeing a dark juicy one ruining my perfect eyebrow arch and not have anything to exterminate it with.  For these such occasions I really like Tweeerman’s Pointed Tweezers.  They retail for $22 at Sephpora and they will be in your beauty arsenal battling strays for years to come.

Warning: We do not condone or recommend plucking while driving, no one will notice you’re perfectly groomed face when you are missing an eye.

Rating: 3 Carats.  Definitely buy the pointy ones for precision plucking…the ones with a the flat tips always leave you wanting.  

At first I was extremely wary when a dear friend and PP fan recommended the $2.99 La Cross Eyebrow Shapers for a review.  But then she said they were recommended to her by her super glamorous and non-hirsute model friend and all my fears were allayed.  Because if it’s good enough for a model, it’s damn skippy sure good enough for little ole’ me. 

I found them in the tweezer section of my local Walgreens.  They are marketed as eyebrow shapers, and I think these must be a go to tool for cross dressers and trannies.   And let’s face it, the older we get, the more we all have in common with Ru Paul.  Case in point, the white hair I found the other day growing out the middle of my forehead like a unicorn horn.  True story. 

They are shaped like a mini toothbrush and have plastic handles in lovely pastel shades.  But don’t be fooled or try to use them for dental hygiene because in the place of bristles, there is a death blade.  These are great for taming the unibrow when you don’t have time to wax, or for grooming those baby fine hairs above the eyebrow.  But the uses don’t stop there my friends, I have compiled a short list below.

1. Perfect if you want to take a little off the top…lip
2. Excellent for grooming those pesky toe hairs
3. Useful if you have a loose thread, made a mistake in your needlepoint, or want to give yourself bangs
4. Think of them as your personal weed whackers for those hard to reach areas…and I taint talking about your ankles
5. If you have a dinner party, you could use them to make some really stunning garnishes out of baby radishes

Rating: 3 carats…mostly for the Van Dame like versatility and entertainment value.  I cannot stop thinking of ways to use these beauties.  I love these little suckers.   I am going to carry them in my purse from now on…who doesn’t love a beauty bargain that doubles as a weapon?

Warning: It’s our prerogative to warn you, one slip and you’ll be sporting the Bobby Brown eyebrow fade.  

If our eyes truly are the windows to the soul, that must make our eyelashes the curtains and eyebrows the curtain rods.  And nothing brightens up a room or overhauls a face like some new decorative hardware.

I have struggled mightily with my brows over the years…from panicked plucking to shaggy chic I have come to discover that like Dolly Parton, a well groomed, slightly bushy brow can weather the test of time and never go out of style.  That’s why I freakin’ love Benefit Cosmetic’s Brow Zings.  It retails for $30 at Sephora, but before you grasp a hold of your eyebrows and yank in terror, this stuff lasts and lasts.  I have had the kit last well over a year.  It far out performs and outlasts anything else I have tried, making Brow Zings a beauty bargain.

It comes in a variety of colors and features 2 brushes and a small pair of tweezers (which don’t work worth a darn) and both a pigmented wax and a setting powder.  I mostly use the wax but the powder is great too. You can control coverage and it’s very user friendly and natural looking. This kit can recover even the most tweaked out brows and make sure us bushier gals stay picture perfect.   I put this on every morning no matter what…it’s the product I would save if my house was on fire.

Rating: 3 carats. No matter what your brows look like, Brow Zings can get them into shape…too bad it won’t do the same for my behind.