Ahh Swim Suit Season let me compare thee to Summer’s Eve.  Are there any three more dreaded words in the English language?  Magazines have been not so subtly warning me since New Year’s of the countdown to humiliation, but it’s so hard to succeed what with Cupid showering me with chocolates and the Easter Bunny announcing the return of JC by pooping candy covered eggs all over my yard.

But alas, since claiming I am allergic to the sun really cuts down on my outdoor drinking, I realized it was time to man up.  After trolling the requisite “Bathing Suit Finder’s” in Cosmo and Fitness, and realizing that they don’t have a category for “stomach like a tube of exploded biscuit dough and thighs like Titleist golf ball”.  I realized there was only one way to go…

Whether you are shaped like a pear, apple or pina colada, it’s all about the the tits.  Big jugs hide the jiggles, girls and if your cups runneth over, their shakes will bring all the boys to the yard.  We’re turning the tables on those three dreaded words…from Swim Suit Season to Shock and Awe.

Now some of us are more blessed with boobs than others, but never fear…enter Victoria Secret’s Miracle Bra Swimsuit Collection.  Available in a wide variety of fits and fabrics to flatter all sorts of figures while making your girls to stand up and salute.  These suits will not disappoint, and for less than $60 each, they are a bikini bargain.  We love the fact that they come in a variety of top styles and bottoms that cover all sizes of ba-donk-a-donk and that you can order the top and bottom in separate sizes.  If bikini’s aren’t your bag, they come in tankini and one piece options as well.  Use their fit finder tool to find the perfect suit for you.

Enter SPRING10 at checkout for $15 off orders of $100 or more. The first 3 comments on this post will receive a discount code that may be worth anywhere from $10 to $1,000 when redeemed with purchase before April 30th.

Rating: 3 Carats.  If you can get past the vomit inducing pics of the VS models, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by these suit’s errr… supportive qualities.

As the holidays roll around it is a time for nostalgia and family traditions, it is also time for the retail bonanza designed to play on your heartstrings and your pocketbook. Every year I find myself hitting the holiday sales the way fat people hit the bogo event at Dunkin’ Doughnuts. Along with the traditional holiday gifts, my holiday searches always lead me to finding the perfect holiday dress for the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s festive blitzkrieg. As any self-respecting shopper will tell you, the perfect holiday cocktail dress transcends fabric and embellishments. It is a symbol of the past year and daring glimpse of the bounty of a new beginning. It is a time to branch out and wear something outside of the box, to be flirty instead of frigid, to be a tiger instead of tame. This year, I have definitely found the one in Anthropolgie’s “Spirited Away Dress” which retails for an affordable $128.00.

The yummy eggplant color is a departure from traditional black and the v-cut back will ensure that people watch you both coming and going. This dress is not only perfect for the holidays, but can transition into a year round ensemble that is perfect for summer weddings. Flattering on a variety of shapes it literally allows you to have your cake and eat it too.

Rating: 3 carats. Retail never smelled so good.

We’ve been on the hunt for affordable, but memorable, holiday dresses.  We’ll be posting several of our favorites in the weeks to come.  But I’d like to start with this beauty from Victoria Secret.  It’s super flattering, comes in a plethora of colors, and it’s stretchy.  Perfect for me since I have gotten a jump on the Holiday season and have already reached my fighting weight. This dress is a really nice quality matte jersey and it’s $88.  I also love that with accessories it is perfect for the Holidays, but could also be worn year round.  I’m pairing the teal above with gold shoes belt, and there is nothing more flattering than a one shoulder dress.

Rating: 2 Carats.  Comfortable and sexy enough to get your fair share under the mistletoe.

Enter FALL09 at checkout and receive $15 off orders of $100 or more.

It was almost inevitable that despite my rigorous stance not to go there, the 80’s fashion flashback currently in full effect would sink its insidious tentacles into me.    Most of us remember bubble skirts, pegged jeans with white push down athletic ankle socks and applying hair spray to bangs that were still wrapped around the curling iron just to hear the sizzle of burning hair.  And if you don’t you only have to check out the current style du jour which will have you hungry like a wolf in no time flat.   Such it was that a few hours of free time and a good hair day had me venturing into the Mecca of all things trendy, Urban Outfitters.

I usually avoid Urban Outfitters because a store that carries clothes that look like they were pulled off of the assembly line mid-stream, “Don’t Hassel the Hoff” shirts and dinnerware is a little intimidating to me.   However, with fond thoughts of my sophomore prom dress in my head, I entered the store and exited a short time later with Silence and Noise’s High Waisted Tulip Skirt in electric blue…and a new set of plates.   Despite the fact that this is so short I can’t bend over without flashing the land down under, it’s semi-flared shape is actually pretty flattering.   With tights, some chunky heels and, if you are feeling particularly inspired, a vintage Oingo Bongo tee, you will be ready to rock from our house right onto electric avenue.

Rating: 2 carats.   You may want to leave the Treetorns in the closet…at least for now.

The advent of boot season is an exciting time for most women…it heralds the fall, signifies a complete wardrobe overhaul and it means that bi-weekly pedicures are no longer a necessity.    However, if you are looking for the fall footwear must haves at a price point that doesn’t require a credit check and a five day waiting period, look no farther than Lulus.com.  They have a great selection of seasonal boots at prices that will make you think Santa came early this year.   I am especially fond of the Miss Me Footwear Lorena 7 in rust that retails for an unbelievable $43.00.   These boots look great over skinny jeans or with a cute dress and cinched belt.   People will think you took out a second mortgage on your house or got lucky at Powerball, because these boots look just that good.

Rating 3 carats:  You will want to do everything in these boots…and you can.  Just be careful if you really do everything in these…they’ve got a heel.

6pm.com is getting rid of a ton of their summer shoes.  Check it out!

Burt’s Bees has premium grab bags for $25.   You’ll get You’ll get 6 regular-sized products: 4 lip products, a 4 oz. spearmint lime body wash and a 3 oz. nourishing body lotion; 12 mini-size products; and 4 special gifts!  Check it out here.

Jcrew has Fall on sale.  Great dresses, sweaters, and pants.  Get a jump on saving up and looking hot.

Anthropologie has 7 jeans for $99. Don’t see that every day!  Check out their fresh cuts for sales on the newest looks of the season and the sweater above for $49.95.

I went shopping for jeans the other day and I found an incredible pair. They were long, but not too long, had a beautiful dark uniform wash, and went I bent over, my colon was not exposed. I was, quite frankly, in love. Until I looked at the price tag…$240. So for the price of someone’s car payment, I could drive my perfect jeans around town. When did this happen? I remember when Jeans topped $100 and that was hard enough to swallow, but twohundredandfortydollars! This has got to stop.

Luckily, it can. Enter the !iT Jean. At $74 and below this jean is everything denim should be. Amazing high priced fit, grown up washes, and tons of variety from short to tall. I fell in love with the Dream Diva. A dark wash jean made for someone who has a few items in her trunk, they have just a hint of a trouser look which make them work appropriate, but are sexy enough to go from the office to the street…to go out. Not to walk the street, you won’t have to turn tricks to pay for these lovelies.

Find your perfect fit online or click here to find out who carries !iT Jeans in your area. If you are one of our Kansas City Readers, check them out at Frankly Basic in the Crestwood shops. These puppies do stretch out during wear so think about going down a size.

Rating: 3 carats, my butt hasn’t looked this good in a really long time.