In my everlasting quest to lose weight without actually having to work out, eat healthy and give up alcohol, I turned to what I hoped would be my own personal miracle in a bottle, Super Cleanse by Nature’s Secret. Let me save you the $14.99 and let you in on the secret…this product blows. On the bottle it claims to “nourish, stimulate and cleanse the colon.” In actuality this stuff is about as nourishing as Jon Gosselin once the camera crew packs up for the day. The first few days weren’t so bad as I gradually upped the dosage to reach my allotted six pills per day. But on about day three my colon was definitely “stimulated” to the point where I could barely walk upright and I felt as though a small feral cat was trying to claw its way out of my lower digestive track. After a few more days of trying to reconcile intense abdominal pain with my desire to fit in my skinny pants, I gave up and threw the bottle away. My colon will just have to settle for apathy, lethargy, and an occasional bottle of Chianti.

Rating: 0.5 carats. This product did make me consider that maybe I should use my treadmill for more than just an extra clothes rack…or maybe I will just see what else GNC has on sale right now.

Acai berry supplements have been touted on everything from Oprah to the internet.   It is said that this oft proclaimed “superfruit” has powerful antioxidants and can rejuvenate both the mind and body.   Since my mind is a finely honed machine, and my body is anything but, I was more interested in the latter.    Specifically, the claims that Acai berry can be used to facilitate weight loss.  Since my current regimen of sitting on the couch watching exercise TV on demand while eating Cadbury mini-eggs (Thank God those things are not out year round) was proving shockingly unsuccessful, I decided to give this magical berry a try.

I tried the Super Acai Blast which retails for $19.99 at GNC.  If the store scares you, as it does me, you can always order online.   After a month of taking two caplets per day, I am not completely sold on this product. I did not notice any significant weight loss, although to be fair, I did go on a weekend binge of mimosas (hold the OJ) and pizza.   I also did not feel a burst of energy, but those are getting to be as rare as a good hair day around here.  What I did notice, however, is that this product made me more regular than Big Ben.  As someone who struggles with, how can I say this delicately, making a daily deposit, this product was truly magical.   No longer was I left standing while my significant other disappeared  in the morning with a cup of coffee and the paper, I too could “assume the position.”   Superfruiter?  Nay, Nay, I say Superpooper…  And it goes down like a charm with champagne.

Rating- 1 carat.   Good to add to your daily routine, but if you are hoping for any type of significant weight loss this is no substitute for good ‘ole fashioned exercise or gastric bypass surgery.