There is nothing tackier, except maybe the opening of the NASCAR season,  than seeing a racer back tank top with two bra straps completely out of alignment with the rest of the of the shirt.  Whether it is sheer laziness or wanting to show the world the rainbow of colors Victoria’s Secret has to offer, it is not at all attractive. Unless, of course, you are moonlighting as a carriage-pulling horse…giddy up bitches.

That is where the “Strap Perfect” comes in.  At a mere $9.99 for 6 there is no excuse to board the trashy train.   If you have seen the less than high budget infomercial, you may recall that the Strap Perfect slides on the back straps of a regular bra and transforms it into a racer back bra.  An alleged side benefit? The cleavage of a French street walker.

While the placement of the Strap Perfect is a little tricky (If I were only that flexible I would never have to buy another birthday present for my husband ever again), once it is on it is fairly easy to adjust.  When it is in place, you need have no fear of  a strap snafu.   As for the cleavage claim, it is a far cry from 40 cc’s of saline, but may help the girls get a little lift.

Rating:  2 Carats.  Perfect? No.   But perfection costs quite a bit more than $9.99 and for the price this product is pretty darn good.

It’s been awhile since I have had a long term relationship with any drugstore mascara.  Sure there have been false alarms…the promising first uses, shiny packaging, persuasive commercials, vibrating wands.  But all it takes one reckless night when you go to bed without washing your face and you wake up with stained sheets and ring around the eye and you realize, the mascara wasn’t worth all this trouble in the first place.  It didn’t really give you the false eyelash look, it didn’t truly extend and curl, and the vibrating wand didn’t really pack the punch we needed for…proper mascara application.

Oh my friends I have been taken in a time or two.  My relationship with mascara is well documented in discarded tubes and expectations unmet.  But all that changed when I discovered Maybelline’s Lash Stiletto.  At $7.49 it’s many dineros cheaper than your department store brands, and it definitely packs a similar punch.  It excels in the lengthening arena, my lashes were long and spidery and I loved them.  I have drugstore beauty product ADD and I hardly ever buy the same mascara twice but this product will be in my beauty bag for a while to come.

Rating: 3 Carats.   

We’ve all done it in the car.  Front seat, back seat, I’ve done it.  Parked in the driveway, stopped at a stoplight, don’t judge me, I know you’ve done it too.  I like to do it in the daytime.  I like to see what I’m what I’m doing, up close.  I am always afraid I am going to get caught…but that never stops me.  

I look left, look right and then I go  for it.  A little to the left…up…down…that’s it….yessssss!  Gotcha!  That chin hair doesn’t stand a chance.  

I love to pluck in my car.  It’s my own private Idaho and there are days when I pray that I hit every red light so I can see what I missed in my mirror back home.  The wiry pubic-like hair that has lost it’s way and decided to grow out of my chin, the dark peach fuzz above my lip that makes me look like I am a Brady Boy about to go through the change, or the sharp girthy monster that has decided to grow between my eyebrows like a triceratops horn.  It’s both terrifying and incredibly satisfying to grab hold and yank, even if the teenage girls next to me look at be in abject horror… someday they’ll know my pain.

I always keep a pair of trusty tweezers stashed in my car.  There is nothing worse then seeing a dark juicy one ruining my perfect eyebrow arch and not have anything to exterminate it with.  For these such occasions I really like Tweeerman’s Pointed Tweezers.  They retail for $22 at Sephpora and they will be in your beauty arsenal battling strays for years to come.

Warning: We do not condone or recommend plucking while driving, no one will notice you’re perfectly groomed face when you are missing an eye.

Rating: 3 Carats.  Definitely buy the pointy ones for precision plucking…the ones with a the flat tips always leave you wanting.  

At the behest of PP fan, I reluctantly tried the pedi-egg which can be found either through a late night infomercial (a Sham-Wow comes as a bonus through a limited time offer) or at Target for 9.99.  In the interest of full disclosure I have to say that I was biased against this product from the beginning.  When I think of eggs I imagine Easter egg hunts or cute, fluffy baby chicks.   Instead when  you crack this baby open you get scraps of foot fungus and dried calluses, not  happy little jelly bellies.    The premise is that you rub the pedi-egg over your piggies and it is like an instant pedicure, minus the foot massage and the women talking about you in a language you can’t understand.    

Fortified by a little liquid courage, I sat down and opened the package.   In addition to the afore-mentioned issues, holding this thing in my hand I felt a little strange.  I honestly felt like maybe it should have batteries and be sold in one of those stores you have to be 18 to enter.    I closed my eyes and rubbed it on my foot while desperately hoping that no one would come in the bathroom and discover my dirty little secret.  After a few cautious rubs, I applied the egg more diligently.  After a few minutes closeted with the egg, I felt ashamed, embarrassed and not much smoother.   Overall, not a satisfying experience. 

Rating: .5 Carats.  I’ll leave the feet to the professionals.

At first I was extremely wary when a dear friend and PP fan recommended the $2.99 La Cross Eyebrow Shapers for a review.  But then she said they were recommended to her by her super glamorous and non-hirsute model friend and all my fears were allayed.  Because if it’s good enough for a model, it’s damn skippy sure good enough for little ole’ me. 

I found them in the tweezer section of my local Walgreens.  They are marketed as eyebrow shapers, and I think these must be a go to tool for cross dressers and trannies.   And let’s face it, the older we get, the more we all have in common with Ru Paul.  Case in point, the white hair I found the other day growing out the middle of my forehead like a unicorn horn.  True story. 

They are shaped like a mini toothbrush and have plastic handles in lovely pastel shades.  But don’t be fooled or try to use them for dental hygiene because in the place of bristles, there is a death blade.  These are great for taming the unibrow when you don’t have time to wax, or for grooming those baby fine hairs above the eyebrow.  But the uses don’t stop there my friends, I have compiled a short list below.

1. Perfect if you want to take a little off the top…lip
2. Excellent for grooming those pesky toe hairs
3. Useful if you have a loose thread, made a mistake in your needlepoint, or want to give yourself bangs
4. Think of them as your personal weed whackers for those hard to reach areas…and I taint talking about your ankles
5. If you have a dinner party, you could use them to make some really stunning garnishes out of baby radishes

Rating: 3 carats…mostly for the Van Dame like versatility and entertainment value.  I cannot stop thinking of ways to use these beauties.  I love these little suckers.   I am going to carry them in my purse from now on…who doesn’t love a beauty bargain that doubles as a weapon?

Warning: It’s our prerogative to warn you, one slip and you’ll be sporting the Bobby Brown eyebrow fade.