Ahh Swim Suit Season let me compare thee to Summer’s Eve.  Are there any three more dreaded words in the English language?  Magazines have been not so subtly warning me since New Year’s of the countdown to humiliation, but it’s so hard to succeed what with Cupid showering me with chocolates and the Easter Bunny announcing the return of JC by pooping candy covered eggs all over my yard.

But alas, since claiming I am allergic to the sun really cuts down on my outdoor drinking, I realized it was time to man up.  After trolling the requisite “Bathing Suit Finder’s” in Cosmo and Fitness, and realizing that they don’t have a category for “stomach like a tube of exploded biscuit dough and thighs like Titleist golf ball”.  I realized there was only one way to go…

Whether you are shaped like a pear, apple or pina colada, it’s all about the the tits.  Big jugs hide the jiggles, girls and if your cups runneth over, their shakes will bring all the boys to the yard.  We’re turning the tables on those three dreaded words…from Swim Suit Season to Shock and Awe.

Now some of us are more blessed with boobs than others, but never fear…enter Victoria Secret’s Miracle Bra Swimsuit Collection.  Available in a wide variety of fits and fabrics to flatter all sorts of figures while making your girls to stand up and salute.  These suits will not disappoint, and for less than $60 each, they are a bikini bargain.  We love the fact that they come in a variety of top styles and bottoms that cover all sizes of ba-donk-a-donk and that you can order the top and bottom in separate sizes.  If bikini’s aren’t your bag, they come in tankini and one piece options as well.  Use their fit finder tool to find the perfect suit for you.

Enter SPRING10 at checkout for $15 off orders of $100 or more. The first 3 comments on this post will receive a discount code that may be worth anywhere from $10 to $1,000 when redeemed with purchase before April 30th.

Rating: 3 Carats.  If you can get past the vomit inducing pics of the VS models, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by these suit’s errr… supportive qualities.

Don’t call it a comeback…like Jesus we’ve risen again.  Ruby and Pearl are back, bitches.

And we’re highlighting our return and our faces with Bonnie Bell’s Gel Bronzer.

Now, I am wary of bronzers seeing as how I am a kinked helix away from being clinically albino, and upon first squirt this stuff seems more appropriate for Billy Dee than little ole me, but this stuff is tan-freakin-tastic.   I slathered it on the other day and my husband commented on my healthy post workout glow AND said I looked skinny…well, the joke is on him as I skipped the gym to drink wine and eat fried pickles with my girlfriends, awww yeah.

A dab will do you and this little tube of wonder will last all summer long.  The bronzer can be hard to find, but if you want to avoid going from drugstore to drugstore in search of this illuminating wonder, it’s available on Amazon for $7.99.

Rating: 3 Carats.  This stuff gives good face.  Between this and Dr. Pepper flavored lip balm I think Bonnie Bell deserves a noble peace prize.

As we head into the Holiday home stretch I find that the more I cross of my list, the more I realize I have forgotten to put myself on there.  After mailing packages and running spreading cheer, I looked in the mirror and found my face shinier than Rudolph’s honker.  I’m all for the dewy look, but winter cold and blasting heat stimulates my t-zone faster than Tiger can pull a hooker’s hair.

Thankfully there is a solution.  I am loving Sephora’s Matte Blotting Film.  These little beauties soak up oil but leave make up in tact.  Unlike some of the other blotting papers I have used, these don’t leave a chalky powder behind.  The sheets seem to be made of a soft silcone-y substance that sucks up oil faster than you can say egg nog.  And at $10 for 50 sheets, they’re perfect for discreet touch ups leaving you matte and magnificent.

Rating: 3 Carats.  These will make sure it’s your personality that shines, not your face.

Wow.  I’ve never felt better.  So incredibly sexy and desirable.   I am really enjoying the fact that my elastic waisted pants are leaving angry red welts on my stomach and inner thighs.  But don’t worry, I polished off all the pie so I could start fresh tomorrow…I mean don’t you think it’s better to eat a weeks worth of calories in one bad day of eating instead of snacking poorly the rest of the week, you know, cross that pie off my to do list?

I think so too…and as such I need to re-think my dress for the holiday party circuit because there are not enough Spanx in the free world to suck in this gut.  Enter Stop Staring’s Gathered Ava Dress in black.  I freakin’ love this dress.  Classic, sexy, and stretchy this dress makes you look a whole let better than you actually do.  The ruching on the stomach is perfect for hiding all turkey day transgressions and the material is thick enough to slim out any other bumps or dimples.  It does run a bit small, so make sure to check out the sizing, but at $130 this perfect little black dress will be a wardrobe workhorse for years to come.

Rating: 3 Carats…thank the baby Jesus for this wonder.

As the holidays roll around it is a time for nostalgia and family traditions, it is also time for the retail bonanza designed to play on your heartstrings and your pocketbook. Every year I find myself hitting the holiday sales the way fat people hit the bogo event at Dunkin’ Doughnuts. Along with the traditional holiday gifts, my holiday searches always lead me to finding the perfect holiday dress for the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s festive blitzkrieg. As any self-respecting shopper will tell you, the perfect holiday cocktail dress transcends fabric and embellishments. It is a symbol of the past year and daring glimpse of the bounty of a new beginning. It is a time to branch out and wear something outside of the box, to be flirty instead of frigid, to be a tiger instead of tame. This year, I have definitely found the one in Anthropolgie’s “Spirited Away Dress” which retails for an affordable $128.00.

The yummy eggplant color is a departure from traditional black and the v-cut back will ensure that people watch you both coming and going. This dress is not only perfect for the holidays, but can transition into a year round ensemble that is perfect for summer weddings. Flattering on a variety of shapes it literally allows you to have your cake and eat it too.

Rating: 3 carats. Retail never smelled so good.

I’m realizing more and more these days that it takes a village of beauty products to keep this houseboat afloat. And while I’m not quite to elephant man status, my face sans makeup is not the sort that is going to inspire sonnets, at least not from any aspiring poets with 20/20 vision. Lately one of the first things I’ve turned to the morning after two cups or coffee and an iced pop tart, is my trusty jar of Erase Paste from Benefit Cosmetics. While I realize the name is reminiscent of something that you may try sniffing on spring break in Daytona your fifth year of college, it is really a tiny jar of indispensable goodness designed to fix the natural topography of your face. At around $26 this product packs a large punch for the price. Part concealer/part foundation a little dab around your eyes and on non-cooperative areas really does make a noticeable difference. It may not be enough for you to “know what beauty is, see where it lies”, but if old Willy S. was still alive it may get you a couple of stanzas of poetical adoration.

Rating 3 carats. Now, if I could just find a product to erase my cellulite I’d be feeling like a hundred bucks.

The advent of boot season is an exciting time for most women…it heralds the fall, signifies a complete wardrobe overhaul and it means that bi-weekly pedicures are no longer a necessity.    However, if you are looking for the fall footwear must haves at a price point that doesn’t require a credit check and a five day waiting period, look no farther than Lulus.com.  They have a great selection of seasonal boots at prices that will make you think Santa came early this year.   I am especially fond of the Miss Me Footwear Lorena 7 in rust that retails for an unbelievable $43.00.   These boots look great over skinny jeans or with a cute dress and cinched belt.   People will think you took out a second mortgage on your house or got lucky at Powerball, because these boots look just that good.

Rating 3 carats:  You will want to do everything in these boots…and you can.  Just be careful if you really do everything in these…they’ve got a heel.