As we head into the Holiday home stretch I find that the more I cross of my list, the more I realize I have forgotten to put myself on there.  After mailing packages and running spreading cheer, I looked in the mirror and found my face shinier than Rudolph’s honker.  I’m all for the dewy look, but winter cold and blasting heat stimulates my t-zone faster than Tiger can pull a hooker’s hair.

Thankfully there is a solution.  I am loving Sephora’s Matte Blotting Film.  These little beauties soak up oil but leave make up in tact.  Unlike some of the other blotting papers I have used, these don’t leave a chalky powder behind.  The sheets seem to be made of a soft silcone-y substance that sucks up oil faster than you can say egg nog.  And at $10 for 50 sheets, they’re perfect for discreet touch ups leaving you matte and magnificent.

Rating: 3 Carats.  These will make sure it’s your personality that shines, not your face.

Wow.  I’ve never felt better.  So incredibly sexy and desirable.   I am really enjoying the fact that my elastic waisted pants are leaving angry red welts on my stomach and inner thighs.  But don’t worry, I polished off all the pie so I could start fresh tomorrow…I mean don’t you think it’s better to eat a weeks worth of calories in one bad day of eating instead of snacking poorly the rest of the week, you know, cross that pie off my to do list?

I think so too…and as such I need to re-think my dress for the holiday party circuit because there are not enough Spanx in the free world to suck in this gut.  Enter Stop Staring’s Gathered Ava Dress in black.  I freakin’ love this dress.  Classic, sexy, and stretchy this dress makes you look a whole let better than you actually do.  The ruching on the stomach is perfect for hiding all turkey day transgressions and the material is thick enough to slim out any other bumps or dimples.  It does run a bit small, so make sure to check out the sizing, but at $130 this perfect little black dress will be a wardrobe workhorse for years to come.

Rating: 3 Carats…thank the baby Jesus for this wonder.

As the holidays roll around it is a time for nostalgia and family traditions, it is also time for the retail bonanza designed to play on your heartstrings and your pocketbook. Every year I find myself hitting the holiday sales the way fat people hit the bogo event at Dunkin’ Doughnuts. Along with the traditional holiday gifts, my holiday searches always lead me to finding the perfect holiday dress for the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s festive blitzkrieg. As any self-respecting shopper will tell you, the perfect holiday cocktail dress transcends fabric and embellishments. It is a symbol of the past year and daring glimpse of the bounty of a new beginning. It is a time to branch out and wear something outside of the box, to be flirty instead of frigid, to be a tiger instead of tame. This year, I have definitely found the one in Anthropolgie’s “Spirited Away Dress” which retails for an affordable $128.00.

The yummy eggplant color is a departure from traditional black and the v-cut back will ensure that people watch you both coming and going. This dress is not only perfect for the holidays, but can transition into a year round ensemble that is perfect for summer weddings. Flattering on a variety of shapes it literally allows you to have your cake and eat it too.

Rating: 3 carats. Retail never smelled so good.

I’m realizing more and more these days that it takes a village of beauty products to keep this houseboat afloat. And while I’m not quite to elephant man status, my face sans makeup is not the sort that is going to inspire sonnets, at least not from any aspiring poets with 20/20 vision. Lately one of the first things I’ve turned to the morning after two cups or coffee and an iced pop tart, is my trusty jar of Erase Paste from Benefit Cosmetics. While I realize the name is reminiscent of something that you may try sniffing on spring break in Daytona your fifth year of college, it is really a tiny jar of indispensable goodness designed to fix the natural topography of your face. At around $26 this product packs a large punch for the price. Part concealer/part foundation a little dab around your eyes and on non-cooperative areas really does make a noticeable difference. It may not be enough for you to “know what beauty is, see where it lies”, but if old Willy S. was still alive it may get you a couple of stanzas of poetical adoration.

Rating 3 carats. Now, if I could just find a product to erase my cellulite I’d be feeling like a hundred bucks.

The advent of boot season is an exciting time for most women…it heralds the fall, signifies a complete wardrobe overhaul and it means that bi-weekly pedicures are no longer a necessity.    However, if you are looking for the fall footwear must haves at a price point that doesn’t require a credit check and a five day waiting period, look no farther than Lulus.com.  They have a great selection of seasonal boots at prices that will make you think Santa came early this year.   I am especially fond of the Miss Me Footwear Lorena 7 in rust that retails for an unbelievable $43.00.   These boots look great over skinny jeans or with a cute dress and cinched belt.   People will think you took out a second mortgage on your house or got lucky at Powerball, because these boots look just that good.

Rating 3 carats:  You will want to do everything in these boots…and you can.  Just be careful if you really do everything in these…they’ve got a heel.

Heading into the Winter months always makes my skin look like a hot mess. Between the artificial indoor heat and the outdoor cold manages to create the perfect storm of dry skin and pimples. Not really the look I am going for.

Enter Queen Helene’s Original Mint Julep Masque available at Walgreen’s for $3.99. If you ever had impressions taken of your teeth at the orthodontist, this is exactly what this mask feels and smells like. The mintiness is quite refreshing and this masque promises to draw impurities from your pores, tighten skin, ease tired muscles and reduce lines in the face and neck. I was particularly excited about the last claim as my neck has been looking like pizza dough stuffed in wrinkly panty hose of late.

Once I had the house to myself I slathered up for the requisite 15 minutes. It felt tingly and tightening, what more could a girl ask for? When I removed the masque my skin was smoother, more moisturized, tighter and softer than my midsection. Mission accomplished.

Rating: 3 Carats. For $4 I feel like a new woman…now if only Queen Helene had something in a croc patent leather.

Ruby and I are working on an album and music video for our first single Hungry Ass. In the meantime we wanted share some lyrics born from Ruby’s recent visit to the midwest and too much cherry vodka.  Here’s a link to an instrumental version of Hungry Eyes to get you in the mood.  Feel free to sing along.  We’re sure your boss will be impressed.

I’ve been meaning to tell you

I’ve got this feelin just won’t pass

You’ve been causing some chaffing

And I am not sure it’s gas

I’ve got hungry ass

My panties are stuck up in my crevasse

I’ve got hungry ass

On the potato chips I should have passed

I’ve got hungry ass

I want to pick you but it’s too deep

Between my butt cheeks you seem to creep

Munchin my jeans

Like an eatin’ machine

For my hungry ass

My panties are stuck up in my crevasse

I’ve got hungry ass

On the potato chips I should have passed

And I’ve got hungry ass

Now I’m not sure it’s gas

Out of my hungry ass

I need you to stop

Or my ass is going to pop

I’ve got hungry ass

On this meal I cannot pass

I’ve got hungry ass

I try to quit you but it cannot last

And I’ve got hungry ass

Now I’ve got pants in my crack

Of my hungry ass

Did I take you for some foie grass

With my hungry ass

RIP Patrick Swayze, may you be chilling with other Tai Chai practicing bouncers and teaching the camp kids hot dance routines for all eternity.