Everyone always comments on the miracle of birth and for everyone that has done it, the true miracle is making through the 10 months (40 weeks…you do the math) without losing your mind as quickly as your waistline. Unless you are the freak of nature that is Gisele Bundchen, pregnancy is fraught with humbling physical changes that can reduce the most confident of women to cowering in their plus size tent dresses.
In an effort to combat the National Geographic breasts, bilious bowels and two-toned facial pigmentation, I turned to an old stand-by in a redesigned form…the Spanx Power Mama Shapers which sell for a moderately priced $32.00. Now as you know from prior reviews, the PP’s are big fans of the Spanx line. However, that being said, I have no idea what dear Ms. Blakesly was thinking with this product. First of all getting them on requires more effort than any gestating woman can bear and is akin to trying to encase a watermelon in a condom. Second once the aforementioned watermelon is encased, the overall effect resembles a python digesting a small indigenous child. Finally, it defies the laws of physics, nature and personal happiness to attempt to pull in what God, genetics and gluttony are trying so hard to push out. Overall, so not worth it.

Rating: 1 carat…enjoy the period of time that you are entitled to wear elasticized pants, break open that jar of pickles and save the spanx for after delivery when your stomach will resemble an unbaked tube of Pillsbury french bread and a true fashion intervention is required.

Coming back from my recent sojurn in beautiful, yet drier, climes, my mind was relaxed, my mood was good, but my hair looked like it I recently underwent electroshock therapy and felt like a Brillo pad. In hopes of salvaging my locks and avoiding a Brittney psycho-salon moment, I decided to try Neutrogena’s Triple Moisture Deep Recovery Hair Mask which retails for 6.99 at Target. You are supposed to put it on once a week post-shampoo for 3-5 minutes. After using I had envisioned a “Don’t Hate Me Because I am Beautiful” moment sans Kelly LeBrock and the flowing weave, however what I got was slightly more hydrated, yet nothing stunningly dramatic, hair. So definitely not the triple threat of price, performance and punch I was hoping for.

Rating: 1 carat. Not worth the money, anyway I hear the Kojack is coming back.

Ever get sick of your gut arriving somewhere before the rest of you?  Tired of people yelling “there she blows” when you bend over and your whale tail of a thong surfaces above your jeans?  Did you ever dream of wearing Spanx outside of your pants?  Well if you answered “yes” to any of these questions, the hip-T was made for you.

We discovered the hip-T from a recommendation of a wonderful reader who had just given birth and was looking for a little support in her ab region.  I have never given birth but also need help in most regions so I thought I would give it a try.  I ordered off of their website and paid $19.95 for one with lace edging…shipping was free.

The quality is ok, but the price seemed a bit high for what basically amounts to a waist scrunchie.  It did help stem the flow of my flab-o-lanche over the top of my jeans, but it didn’t work nearly as well as my other chosen support garments.  It is a clever way to layer without bulk, but I have tons of too tight shirts that I could cut wear around my waist and not pay $20 for them, and get similar support.  However it might be nice to cover up paunch during intimate moments…does it come in nude?

Rating: 1 carat.  My gut hasn’t done anything nice for me lately, why would I buy it a skirt?

I was so excited when Cover Girl came out with Outlast Lipstain.  I really really wanted it  to work because I hate reapplying lipstick during the day.  I have very little natural color to my lips and since I can’t afford the high class look of tattooed on lip liner, I figured at $8.99 this stuff was a good compromise. 

I deliberated long and hard over what color to buy and eventually settled on Wild Berry.  Well, clearly I picked the wrong color because I could have achieved the same effect by taking a red Sharpie and drawing all over my face.    Also, your lips need to be perfectly exfoliated and moisturized before use because this is sort of drying and will definitely highlight and little skin flaps or any chapping you might be sporting.  If you are having trouble deciding on a shade the Cover Girl website will help you pick the color that’s right for you…if you give them all your vital info.

I have played with this for a couple of days and this is not a low maintenance product as advertised, but if you are willing to reapply and perhaps wear under lip gloss or lip stick you may not be too disappointed.  Keep an eye in the mirror though, I wore it for a couple hours under lipstick and thought I was looking really cute.  Then I looked in the mirror and I discovered that my lips were stained all right…all around the edges of my lips I had color but none on the lips themselves. It seriously looked like I had been in a hot and heavy make out session with the Kool Aid Pitcher Man.

Rating: 1 carat.  Not fool proof but maybe worth playing around with.

If eyes are truly the windows to the soul, than mascara is the designer drapes. For many lash deficient ladies mascara is THE indispensable beauty product. In search of a product to highlight these baby blues, I tried lashblast Luxe Mascara by Covergirl in black platinum. Despite using “luxe” and “platinum” on the packaging, at $7.95 this stuff is cheap. The claim is that you get a “blast” of volumized lashes with a hint of luxurious shimmer. In order to get said blast they give you an applicator brush big enough to scrub bird shit off of your car windshield.  

The color was a good old basic black, but the only shimmer I saw was from my earring as I swung my head around to try to catch a glimpse of the elusive packaged promised platinum. As far as mascara goes it did define my lashes and was slightly less crunchy than a Birkenstick wearing, Berkely political science major on Earth Day.

Rating 1 carat: If the old adage you get what you pay for is true, than I figure Covergirl owes me about $2. 

Try Covergirl’s original Lash Blast, we’d give that one about 2 carats.

When I was little I often had dreams of being the fourth Charlie’s Angel.   Maybe that’s why at first glance Silence and Noise’s $68Ruffle Front Jumper appealed to me. Looking at it online at Urban Outfitters, I had visions of tanned legs, flowing locks and a pair of ass-kickin’ heels. Although the word “jumper” conjured visions of terry cloth, second grade and a hideous pair of bangs.  A moment of indecision and a readily available credit card swung the vote to “might be cute” and a few clicks later it was on its way. 

Several days later it was at my door and fortified by some Trader Joe’s 2 buck chuck, I took the plunge.   I started with the shoes…gorgeous gold peep toes, so far so good.  Next the hair… took out my ponytail and shook my head upside down.   Not quite Farrah-esque, but good enough for the preview.  Finally, the romper…uhhh, Charlie we have a problem.   While the top half was cute, what’s not to love about a ruffled halter with a plunging neckline?  The bottom half looked like one of those fluffy tennis skirts that Monica Seles used to wear pre court-side assault.  I think it was even made out of the same material, sort of a silky/nylon hybrid.   The top to bottom connector is also made of some type of clingy gathered ruching which made me look like I ate Monica Seles.   Overall, not quite the look I was hoping for.   

Rating: 1 carat.  Time to let the past go.

In light of the recent review extolling the virtues of Old Navy tank tops, I thought I’d review this Princess’ opinion of the Old Navy Gauzy Cross Front Babydoll which retails for an impressive $19.50.  When I think “gauzy” I immediately think circa 1998 ER, when every episode involved a code and excessive bandages, however this one is decidedly better looking.  With ruffles gracing the decotellage and a loosely flowing body that will curtail post-partum sagging and every-day muffin top, its cut does make the best of our womanly attributes.  But before you think we are racing headlong to another 3 carat review, hold on to your nips dear readers because this shirt of wonders does hold some decidedly sinister secrets.

After one washing, the ruffles looked like they needed an intensive session with Tony Robbins.  Additionally, the straps are flimsy and with the low cut, there is no way to wear any type of supportive undergarments, no matter how creative Victoria’s Secret may get.  Finally, the top gauze shrunk up over the secondary gauze, which made me look a crypt keeper in need of rehydration therapy.   Overall, not so cute the second time around.

Rating: 1 carat.  Cheap enough for a one time wear, but definitely does not stand the test of time.