In my everlasting quest to lose weight without actually having to work out, eat healthy and give up alcohol, I turned to what I hoped would be my own personal miracle in a bottle, Super Cleanse by Nature’s Secret. Let me save you the $14.99 and let you in on the secret…this product blows. On the bottle it claims to “nourish, stimulate and cleanse the colon.” In actuality this stuff is about as nourishing as Jon Gosselin once the camera crew packs up for the day. The first few days weren’t so bad as I gradually upped the dosage to reach my allotted six pills per day. But on about day three my colon was definitely “stimulated” to the point where I could barely walk upright and I felt as though a small feral cat was trying to claw its way out of my lower digestive track. After a few more days of trying to reconcile intense abdominal pain with my desire to fit in my skinny pants, I gave up and threw the bottle away. My colon will just have to settle for apathy, lethargy, and an occasional bottle of Chianti.

Rating: 0.5 carats. This product did make me consider that maybe I should use my treadmill for more than just an extra clothes rack…or maybe I will just see what else GNC has on sale right now.

At the request of devoted PP reader “Mr. Sister” I subjected my body to rigorous testing of the “As Seen on TV Product Smooth Away Hair Removal System”. Let me just say right now that the best part of this product is that the name for some reason conjures up the wildly popular Styx single “Come Sail Away”. Watch the video above and see how to appropriately rock the suspender, bare chest, blazer combo.  The value of this product ends there my friends.

The website advertises that this product is the most popular hair removal system in Europe, and after trying this let me just reaffirm that I am proud to be an American where at least I know I have other grooming options.

 
If you buy Smooth Away from the informercial it will cost you $14.99 plus shipping and handling. Or saunter on down to Target and for $9.99 this worthless piece of crap can be all yours. I can tell you right now I could make this with a $2 package of fine grit sandpaper, duct tape and free paint stir sticks.

Smooth Away claims to remove hair in less than the time it takes to shave. Bull shit. To remove any hair you have to rub in a circular motion again and again until the hair breaks off at skin level. I just used it on a small patch of arm hair to test and it took ages and covered my skin with a rash and a nice film of pet dander. It also says that you should only use on clean dry skin. So I am supposed to shower, dry, then spend 2 hours buffing my not so buff bod, then have to get in the shower again to rinse off my discarded epidermis? I don’t think so. Plus I try to avoid touching my own body whenever possible, Jesus may be watching.

Rating: 0.5 carats. Useful if you want to sand off all your DNA before committing a felony or if you have any unfinished woodworking products.

Being melanin challenged to the point of being practically albino, I was on the prowl for something that would give me a natural sun kissed shimmer without a side of carcinogenic melanoma.  I picked up Wet n Wild’s Mega Shimmer Illuminating Powder in Golden Glow.  And this is where my search for the perfect inexpensive bronzer hit an unfortunate pothole.

At $3.99 the price was right but everything else was way wrong.  First of all, you need to be in Mensa to figure out how to get the product out.  Apparently to keep the price low they decided not to print directions on how to use this tricky tube.  When I finally figured it out and dusted the powder on my cheeks I looked like I motor boated a stripper.  This stuff was so glittery it was ridiculous and the color left me looking more Hulk Hogan than golden girl.

Rating: 0.5 Carats.  Save your money, this is more sun smacked than sun kissed.

I have been really disappointed by Target’s GO line recently. Since when do you have to have mosquito bites for bubbies to wear high fashion knock offs? So I was excited when I heard that Max Azaria and Norma Kamali were doing lines for Walmart.

 
I logged on the evilempire.com (Walmart) and was thrilled to find Norma Kamali’s “All in One Jersey Top”. I was intrigued by the video on the website that showed the easy transitions to wear this shirt 8 ways. Yes, EIGHT ways. From one shoulder and halter, to a fabulous mini dress, this was my dream garment come true all for $20. I couldn’t wait for it to arrive at my door.

 
Turns out I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I ordered a medium and in fairness I didn’t read the size chart. I must have missed the line about that told me that a medium is the appropriate size for women 19 months pregnant with 8 illegitimate fetus’. My bad for not reading the fine print.

 
Undeterred I pulled up my trusty instructional video and went to work. I cinched, I tied, I sashed my way through all 8 designs, and even made up some of my own. Each time I turned hopefully toward the mirror and found I looked more ridiculous than before. I felt used, defeated, and tired of contorting my body into impossible positions. Torso’s just aren’t meant to be shoved through neck holes.

Rating: .5 Carats.  If you need to make a sex swing want to look like you swam through a garbage bag, then this is the shirt for you.

At the behest of PP fan, I reluctantly tried the pedi-egg which can be found either through a late night infomercial (a Sham-Wow comes as a bonus through a limited time offer) or at Target for 9.99.  In the interest of full disclosure I have to say that I was biased against this product from the beginning.  When I think of eggs I imagine Easter egg hunts or cute, fluffy baby chicks.   Instead when  you crack this baby open you get scraps of foot fungus and dried calluses, not  happy little jelly bellies.    The premise is that you rub the pedi-egg over your piggies and it is like an instant pedicure, minus the foot massage and the women talking about you in a language you can’t understand.    

Fortified by a little liquid courage, I sat down and opened the package.   In addition to the afore-mentioned issues, holding this thing in my hand I felt a little strange.  I honestly felt like maybe it should have batteries and be sold in one of those stores you have to be 18 to enter.    I closed my eyes and rubbed it on my foot while desperately hoping that no one would come in the bathroom and discover my dirty little secret.  After a few cautious rubs, I applied the egg more diligently.  After a few minutes closeted with the egg, I felt ashamed, embarrassed and not much smoother.   Overall, not a satisfying experience. 

Rating: .5 Carats.  I’ll leave the feet to the professionals.

If you are like the Product P’s, phantom white legs are a genetic gift you would like to return for store credit.   In our never-ending quest to find products to make our lives, and our legs full of color, I tried Jergens Daily Glow Mosturizer which sells at most drugstores for an affordable 7-9 dollars.  I, as the two weeks worth of clean laundry on my guest bed can attest, am a lazy bitch.  So any product that can make my legs both soft and tan, gets at least the ‘ole college try from me.  

Now, most of us have used self-tanner in the hopes of having sun-kissed skin, minus the melanoma.  And, subsequently most of us have had the experience of our legs looking like we just ate a big bag of Cheetos and wiped our hands off on our ankles.   So, with a fair amount of trepidation, and no Cheetos in sight (ate them in advance), I slathered up my freshly shorn gams and hoped for the best.   And waited and repeated, and waited and repeated.    After two weeks of using this, my legs did go from a shade I lovingly refer to, as bat crap white, to more of a muted oyster.   And, to be fair, aside from some little residue in the crater under my ankle knob, for the most part I was streak free. Overall, though, I think Jergens should stick to their old staple, that vanilla almond moisturizer, which smells like you could eat it with a spoon and leave the tanning to the make-up department of Dancing With the Stars.   This product does not get the dial in vote from me.

Rating: .5 carats.  Spend the money on Cheetos instead.

As soon as the Summer months are in sight I seem to be on the search for three things…new flip flops, the perfect tank top, and my 12^th grade body during the one brief week when I had 6 distinct abs. Now, on a good day I could maybe make out 2…one on top and one bottom. 

But I digress. I was so excited when I walked into Target this week and spotted the Mossimo Long and Lean tank. Long, good! Lean, great!And it came in a veritable cornucopia of colors from basics to the perfect rich blue. The price you ask, a dreamy $7.99.

I was almost cocky as I slid the citron yellow tank over my head. But that all changed as I turned around to face the mirror and saw a butternut squash staring back at me. Despite the fact that I went up a size to a large, it was obscenely clingy and the dark shadow of my belly button was taunting me through the ribbed fabric. It wasn’t even tight in that way that makes your boobs look great…the arm holes were so constricting it looked like my armpit threw up a dinner roll.

I suppose I could have tried an XL but as we all know, no bargain is worth going up two sizes. This was a complete and utter failure.

Rating: .5 carats. If you are already long and lean, this tank is for you. If you have any bumps, lumps, or blemishes, this tank will shout them out to the world.