I’ve been pondering posting a link to Etsy lately.  For those of you who don’t know, Etsy is an online marketplace where anyone can sell their crafts and wares.  And there is some incredible stuff on there…like Trixie Delicious’ Vandalized Vintage plates.   Love her  7 deadly sin plates and the plate below is perfect for telling the man outside your window to back off whilst serving him a waffle.

Speaking of stalkers, I am in L-O-V-E with elementclaystudios ceramic tiles.  I want them all, but especially the 3 below.

But for every amazing piece of art there is a veritable cornucopia of crap.  From crochet sweaters for kleenex boxes to seashell art that looks as if it was created by the offspring of Corky and an undersexed suburban housewife.  Enter Regretsy.com.

Regretsy is a hilarious complilation of the worst of Etsy.  Their tagline, “Handmade?  It looks like you made it with your feet.” is genius.  The whole site is addictive and laugh out loud funny.  A personal favorite, the dead things section, featuring the fish/squirrel taxidermy, pet humiliation and the homage to Edward and Bella here.

But nothing can top the “Meerkat Manger”.  I’ve pasted the text from the site below the picture so you can fully appreciate the hilarity.

Mongoose 2:15-20

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see the meerkats, which the Lord has told us about on Animal Planet.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who were living in a large underground network with multiple entrances. When they saw the child, they scent-marked the subordinates of the group to express their authority, and this was followed by much grooming and licking of faces. - Regretsy.com

Make sure to visit often, www.regretsy.com.  That’s how I am going to find all my Quanza gifts this year.

In my everlasting quest to lose weight without actually having to work out, eat healthy and give up alcohol, I turned to what I hoped would be my own personal miracle in a bottle, Super Cleanse by Nature’s Secret. Let me save you the $14.99 and let you in on the secret…this product blows. On the bottle it claims to “nourish, stimulate and cleanse the colon.” In actuality this stuff is about as nourishing as Jon Gosselin once the camera crew packs up for the day. The first few days weren’t so bad as I gradually upped the dosage to reach my allotted six pills per day. But on about day three my colon was definitely “stimulated” to the point where I could barely walk upright and I felt as though a small feral cat was trying to claw its way out of my lower digestive track. After a few more days of trying to reconcile intense abdominal pain with my desire to fit in my skinny pants, I gave up and threw the bottle away. My colon will just have to settle for apathy, lethargy, and an occasional bottle of Chianti.

Rating: 0.5 carats. This product did make me consider that maybe I should use my treadmill for more than just an extra clothes rack…or maybe I will just see what else GNC has on sale right now.

Heading into the Winter months always makes my skin look like a hot mess. Between the artificial indoor heat and the outdoor cold manages to create the perfect storm of dry skin and pimples. Not really the look I am going for.

Enter Queen Helene’s Original Mint Julep Masque available at Walgreen’s for $3.99. If you ever had impressions taken of your teeth at the orthodontist, this is exactly what this mask feels and smells like. The mintiness is quite refreshing and this masque promises to draw impurities from your pores, tighten skin, ease tired muscles and reduce lines in the face and neck. I was particularly excited about the last claim as my neck has been looking like pizza dough stuffed in wrinkly panty hose of late.

Once I had the house to myself I slathered up for the requisite 15 minutes. It felt tingly and tightening, what more could a girl ask for? When I removed the masque my skin was smoother, more moisturized, tighter and softer than my midsection. Mission accomplished.

Rating: 3 Carats. For $4 I feel like a new woman…now if only Queen Helene had something in a croc patent leather.

6pm.com is getting rid of a ton of their summer shoes.  Check it out!

Burt’s Bees has premium grab bags for $25.   You’ll get You’ll get 6 regular-sized products: 4 lip products, a 4 oz. spearmint lime body wash and a 3 oz. nourishing body lotion; 12 mini-size products; and 4 special gifts!  Check it out here.

Jcrew has Fall on sale.  Great dresses, sweaters, and pants.  Get a jump on saving up and looking hot.

Anthropologie has 7 jeans for $99. Don’t see that every day!  Check out their fresh cuts for sales on the newest looks of the season and the sweater above for $49.95.

1.      Mini-candy- it takes a least 20 Halloween sized candy to make one regular candy bar…at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

2.     Live out your fantasies- it’s the perfect time, so strap those Danishes to your head, feel the force, and let Han Solo show you his light saber.

3.     Size can work to your advantage- if you are a larger princess, embrace it.  There are a multitude of costumes perfect for larger ladies…pumpkins, sumo wrestlers or pre-natal octomom to name a few.

4.     Totally inappropriate costumes- everyone knows the soccer mom of four who wears the costume so trashy it only needs the pole to complete the look.

5.     Pumpkin carving- there is something so cathartic about scooping out a big mess of pumpkin innards with your bare hands; it almost makes me wish I went to med school.

6.     Haunted houses- what other holiday, except maybe Christmas with the in-laws, encourages screams of terror, wet pants and nightmares?

7.     Thriller- enough said.

8.     Adult trick ‘o treaters- Nothing like grown men and women with a pillow case thrown over their head ringing your doorbell with nary a child in sight for fifty cents worth of candy.

9.     Glow sticks- from 80’s concert staple to must have Halloween safety item.   Save some for after the kids go to bed and you can play the adult version of “stranger danger.”

10.  It’s the only time of year you can tell a complete stranger to “smell your feet” without fear of getting bitch slapped.

Get 20% off at Sephora by entering FF2009 at checkout!

I had moved into the middle of the road sized pants in my closet and had my eye on the dusty stack of jeans in the back.  My pants were loose and my spirits were high but just when I was feeling cocky about my waistline those damn carbs came along and kicked by gut into gear.   Now my pants runneth over and it’s not even Halloween, and I don’t need to tell you all that if your pants are tight in mid-October, it’s bad news for the rest of the eating season.

So I’ve turned to The Daily Plate.  It’s an online calorie tracker that helps you meet personal goals…and it’s free.  Basically you enter your stats and your overall weight goals…I was tempted to enter “gain two pounds per week” so I would feel good about accomplishing something I set out to do, but my pants already hurt when I sit down so I decided against it.

This nifty tracking tool keeps track of calories, fruits and veg, carbs, protein and a whole host of other useful dietary stats that would give Dr. Oz a wet dream.  You get credit for exercising and there is something sobering about seeing your calorie count climb and you don’t have to do any math to succeed.  Phew.

Rating: 2 Carats.  Just for fun we’ll hold a contest, whoever achieves the highest calorie count this week will win a spanx inspired prize.  Leave your totals in the comments.