I have studiously avoided skinny jeans aka denim leggings primarily on the basis that unless you are gifted with stick legs, a curvy butt and stomach achieved through a triathlon (for those of you that don’t speak exercise that’s where people who don’t eat French Fries compete in three different events for a lifetime supply of organic powerbars) they make you look like an inverted weeble wooble.   However, after completing three days of pureed beets and radishes (See Spring Cleaning Parts 1 & 2) and my resulting 7lb weight loss I decided to strike while the iron was hot and rethink the latest denim craze.

I usually don’t shop at The Limited for various reasons not the least being that I am not really a fan of synthetic nylon wrap dresses, but after failed attempts at other retailers I decided to give it a try.  After getting over the fact that I was the oldest person in the store by at least a decade, I got serious and grabbed the Zelda Skinny Jean which sells for a reasonable $49.00.   After five minutes of wiggling, I turned and braced for the worst and was, well, surprised.  They didn’t look horrible.  Don’t get me wrong, they call them skinny jeans for a reason, but with some well thought out fasting, an oversized sweater and some slouchy boots, these may just be a perfect fit for fall.

Rating:  2 Carats…and carrots are basically the only thing you can eat if you want to look good in these jeans.   

Frye shoes and boots 55% off at 6pm.com!  They have hundreds of pairs including the gorgeous Ava Boot above.  Check them out!

It’s been awhile since I have had a long term relationship with any drugstore mascara.  Sure there have been false alarms…the promising first uses, shiny packaging, persuasive commercials, vibrating wands.  But all it takes one reckless night when you go to bed without washing your face and you wake up with stained sheets and ring around the eye and you realize, the mascara wasn’t worth all this trouble in the first place.  It didn’t really give you the false eyelash look, it didn’t truly extend and curl, and the vibrating wand didn’t really pack the punch we needed for…proper mascara application.

Oh my friends I have been taken in a time or two.  My relationship with mascara is well documented in discarded tubes and expectations unmet.  But all that changed when I discovered Maybelline’s Lash Stiletto.  At $7.49 it’s many dineros cheaper than your department store brands, and it definitely packs a similar punch.  It excels in the lengthening arena, my lashes were long and spidery and I loved them.  I have drugstore beauty product ADD and I hardly ever buy the same mascara twice but this product will be in my beauty bag for a while to come.

Rating: 3 Carats.   

Dear Ruby and Pearl,

                  I am a single female on the prowl.   Every second Friday (payday) I pick out my outfit, with matching accessories of course, use my bump -it to achieve a sophisticated up do,  and head out to our local fine dining establishment for some BBQ spareribs.  Despite my refined exterior, once those delicious little morsels and in front of me, I can’t keep my animalistic nature in check…  No matter how hard I try I can’t keep the juice from staining my fingers, splattering on my dress and from crusting at the corners of my mouth.  

I sure do love those spareribs, but I’m afraid the spareribs may be keeping love from me. Please help. 

                                                                                                            Sincerely,

                                                                                                            Desperately Seeking Sam

Dear Desperately Seeking Sam,

                  Every lonely, and hungry, woman can empathize with your situation.   We are never ones to advocate ordering salads in order to impress the weaker sex, however maybe with a little planning you can keep your primal side in check, at least until the lights are off.   We would suggest branching out a little menu-wise to find something equally satisfying, but a little less hands on.  Salisbury Steak is an excellent alternative and doesn’t even require a knife.  Once you’ve landed your fish, you can revisit the sparerib option…nothing says romance like licking BBQ sauce off of each other’s fingers.

                                                                              Let us know how it works out,

                                                                              Ruby and Pearl

I don’t know about you all, but this product princess is sick of jersey.  No, not the jersey of the Real Housewives variety, never them.  But I don’t understand how jersey is now the fabric of choice for every designer from Tahari to Target.  I am sick of dresses that make me look pregnant…I am quite adept of accomplishing that on my own thanks to my baby daddies Ben, Jerry, and Cheeto.  Hey, I get around. Please don’t judge me.

Anyways, while on the search for something that appealed and concealed I happened across Converse One Star’s Alameda Shirred Dress at Target.  At $26.95 the price was perfect and I opted for the navy but it’s also available in a bright pink.  I was instantly in love, even in the horrible light of the dressing room.  This dress made my boobs look great and gave the illusion of a flat mid section.  It was fitted and structured in the best way and super comfortable.  I don’t think the picture above is that great and this is the one time that I will claim I look better in something then the model.  If you have some curves, unlike the stick insect above, this dress will work for you.

Rating: 2 carats.  Great buy at a great price.

Lately, faced with longer hours at work combined with longer hours at home, I have been feeling droopier than the overpriced orchid sitting in my office window. Being nocturnally challenged, I have been looking for something to help keep me focused without making me as jittery as George Bush in a Mensa meeting. With the lingering fear of dropping dead of heart attack in my mind, I reluctantly tried the “5-Hour Energy” drink, which promises five hours of energy without the crash.

Taking my first sip, I felt a little like Alice and began wondering if I would shoot up to supermodel status or shrink down to a size where I could qualify for my own show on TLC. At first blush, the taste is not appealing. It was somewhere between between Mrs.. Butterworth’s and battery acid. My college years held me in good stead, however, I closed my eyes and threw it back. Once I got over the fact that there was no lemon chaser, I realized the taste was manageable. About thirty minutes later, I did feel more alert, and while I wouldn’t go so far as to use the term “peppy” I did feel like I could actually make it through the rest of the day without curling up under my desk for a two hour power nap.

Rating: 2 carats. Probably not the best idea to use this stuff on a regular basis, but for a periodic pick-me-up it does a pretty decent job. If you start to grow hair in places you shouldn’t, feel like you could be the legitimate offspring of Bella and Edward or hear voices, I would stop immediately and seek medical attention.

I was so excited when Cover Girl came out with Outlast Lipstain.  I really really wanted it  to work because I hate reapplying lipstick during the day.  I have very little natural color to my lips and since I can’t afford the high class look of tattooed on lip liner, I figured at $8.99 this stuff was a good compromise. 

I deliberated long and hard over what color to buy and eventually settled on Wild Berry.  Well, clearly I picked the wrong color because I could have achieved the same effect by taking a red Sharpie and drawing all over my face.    Also, your lips need to be perfectly exfoliated and moisturized before use because this is sort of drying and will definitely highlight and little skin flaps or any chapping you might be sporting.  If you are having trouble deciding on a shade the Cover Girl website will help you pick the color that’s right for you…if you give them all your vital info.

I have played with this for a couple of days and this is not a low maintenance product as advertised, but if you are willing to reapply and perhaps wear under lip gloss or lip stick you may not be too disappointed.  Keep an eye in the mirror though, I wore it for a couple hours under lipstick and thought I was looking really cute.  Then I looked in the mirror and I discovered that my lips were stained all right…all around the edges of my lips I had color but none on the lips themselves. It seriously looked like I had been in a hot and heavy make out session with the Kool Aid Pitcher Man.

Rating: 1 carat.  Not fool proof but maybe worth playing around with.