At the request of devoted PP reader “Mr. Sister” I subjected my body to rigorous testing of the “As Seen on TV Product Smooth Away Hair Removal System”. Let me just say right now that the best part of this product is that the name for some reason conjures up the wildly popular Styx single “Come Sail Away”. Watch the video above and see how to appropriately rock the suspender, bare chest, blazer combo.  The value of this product ends there my friends.

The website advertises that this product is the most popular hair removal system in Europe, and after trying this let me just reaffirm that I am proud to be an American where at least I know I have other grooming options.

 
If you buy Smooth Away from the informercial it will cost you $14.99 plus shipping and handling. Or saunter on down to Target and for $9.99 this worthless piece of crap can be all yours. I can tell you right now I could make this with a $2 package of fine grit sandpaper, duct tape and free paint stir sticks.

Smooth Away claims to remove hair in less than the time it takes to shave. Bull shit. To remove any hair you have to rub in a circular motion again and again until the hair breaks off at skin level. I just used it on a small patch of arm hair to test and it took ages and covered my skin with a rash and a nice film of pet dander. It also says that you should only use on clean dry skin. So I am supposed to shower, dry, then spend 2 hours buffing my not so buff bod, then have to get in the shower again to rinse off my discarded epidermis? I don’t think so. Plus I try to avoid touching my own body whenever possible, Jesus may be watching.

Rating: 0.5 carats. Useful if you want to sand off all your DNA before committing a felony or if you have any unfinished woodworking products.

Hey all your bargainistas out there.  Come November 14th Jimmy Choo will be selling an exclusive line of shoes, handbags, and accessories at H&M.  Now if only H&M would launch on online store like Topshop…a product princess can dream.

I hate lying awake, knowing I need sleep, hoping that I will drift off to that dream where I am standing on a pyramid in sun goddess robes with a thousand well-oiled naked men screaming my name while throwing little pickles at me.   I hate knowing that with every hour that passes my morning make-up routine will be extended as I struggle to cover the deep circles under my eyes.  I hate resisting the urge to smack my snoring husband as he snoozes blissfully unaware of my non-somnolent state.  For all these reasons, and many more, I love Tylenol PM.     

I love the color, happy little blue pills that promise sweet dreams in every smooth capsule.  I love that half a dose of these allegedly non-habit forming treats guarantee a nights full of Johnny Depp, Sanjay Gupta, that guy from the freecreditreport.com commercials and all my other undercover lovers.   I love that in the morning I able to get out of bed without feeling like I need an intervention.  And I love that I am not faced with whether or not to watch the 2am edited version of Van Wilder.

Rating:  3 Carats.   A word to the wise: start off with half the recommended dose, unless you don’t have any pressing commitments before noon.

The Product Princesses do not now or have ever (even in high school) been peddler’s of narcotics.  Use at your own discretion.

TGIF PPs let’s go shopping!  So many great sales this weekend as Fall Inventories are about to be rolled out.  Hard to believe since I feel like I am living on the sun, it’s so freakin’ hot.

Fantastic sale at Anthropologie including the cute little blazer above at just $39.95.  

White House Black Market is having a 60% off online sale.  These shoes ain’t black but I love them and for $49.95 they’re too good to pass up!

JCrew is having an outstanding sale.  Love this bag marked down to $199 from $395 . Enter code BEACH at checkout to get free shipping on orders over $175.

1. Two words: swine flu.

 
2. Suddenly develop ADD. Ritalin is a great appetite suppressant.

 
3. Have your mouth wired shut. You may be mistaken for Hannibal Lector, but you will be way too skinny for someone to throw you in the back of their van and use you for a skin suit.

 
4. A well placed tapeworm can do wonders.

 
5. Wrap yourself in saran wrap and hit the sauna. Come out only when you feel you are in danger of being laminated.

 
6. Liquid diet. Champagne, beer and wine are all fine. You can make your martinis with chicken garnishes if you feel like you need a little extra protein.

 
7. Sex. Lots of sex. You can burn several hundred calories per hour having sex. Of course the more varied the positions the better, missionary will not burn as many calories as some other more creative positions such as The Hoover which also has the added benefit of strengthening your triceps.

 
8. Use correctol as ice cream toppings instead of sprinkles. Just make sure you block out several hours of bathroom time the next morning.

 
9. Go on a hunger fast. People will think you’ve got a great social conscience, and never know that you are doing it to show up your best friend on your weekend beach trip.

 
10. Give up. Admit that 10 lbs is a small price to pay for the enjoyment of french fries dipped in ranch dressing.  Eat them with relish in front of your undernourished counterparts.

I love Hanky Panky’s line of thongs. I even wore one under my wedding dress* on the happiest day of my husband’s life. I love their oh so stretchy lace because seeing me in a thong is scary enough without it squeezing my fat so tight I look like a trussed up pork loin.

But the $18 price tag for something that is wedged between cheeks and at any minute can be destroyed in the washing machine, left in the backseat of a car or attacked by the period monster, left me looking for something a little more disposable.

Enter Target’s Gilligan & O’Malley Lace Thongs. At $8 for a two pack, the price can’t be beat and they are very similar to the higher priced brand. They come in a variety of colors and they have a similar stretchy lace that doesn’t fight against my pudge, merely skims over it like a little flabulent guardian angel. I was worried that they wouldn’t make it through the laundry, but I washed and dried them and they are as perfect as before. Like the Hanky Panky brand these disappear under clothing and are as light as a feather.

*thong was only worn because Spanx wouldn’t have worked. Ladies, think that one through when you are picking out your dresses.

Rating: 3 Carats. Great price, great product for those days you can’t wrap your entire ass in spandex.

6pm.com has Roxy clothing for 60% off, today only!